5 Products for the Sad & Beardless

There’s a large group of guys out there that can’t grow a proper beard. Whether due to genetics, draconian grooming standards at work, or a girlfriend who too tight a grip on their balls, these guys are perpetually baby-faced. Jealousy takes their bitter hearts as they see us majestic beardsmen walking by like kings, and that envy is turned outward as sad attempts at humor. They mock the beard. And as some of them own businesses, we see their envy turn to enterprise. Thus these 5 novelty products have come into existence. Products such as . . .

5. Beard T-Shirt

I actually buy the T-Shirts on Amazon. I saw it, gave it a little chuckle, then scrolled further. Then I thought about it, and scrolled back up to look at it again. Something didn’t sit right. “Who is this product for?” I asked myself. For kids, or women maybe? That seems weird. Silly, maybe, but not really funny enough to move someone to want to own one. So who is the real target market?

The target market for this product (and many others on the list) is guys who don’t have beards, and secretly wish they did. “Look at my beard!” they say, flipping up their shirts onto their faces. “Haha, no, can you imagine if I had a beard like that?” And then comes the distant, wistful look, dotted with a hint of tears. Because they are imagining it. As they do every waking moment. And every night, in their deepest dreams, only to wake up in the morning running their fingers through phantom whiskers that shall never be.

4. Beardo

The Beardo (prices are here) is a knit cap with a beard component, because I guess some people don’t have natural scarves covering their lower faces. And sure, there are children and women who aren’t expected to bring their own beards come winter, and who could have fun with a product like this. But, um . . . why are all the models for the product dudes? If the product was meant to cater to women, there would be female models (and on their site, there are a couple). But if you look at the main product page, it appears that 1 of the 12 models is female.

And that just makes me sad. Because the hat is clearly made for dudes. Dudes who, like the Starks of Winterfell, know that winter is coming, and want facial hair to keep them warm. But unlike the Stark men, who all opt for sweet beards, these dudes go looking for a knitted face mask to keep them warm and help them live out their bearded fantasies.

3. Inflatable Beard

But the Beardo is a bit pricey. Need to pretend to be a man on a budget? Look no further than Archie McPhee’s inflatable beard. This bad boy can fit in your pocket and be blown up any time you need to look like a real man. The product boasts the ability to make you look “rugged enough to hang out at the biker bar and distinguished enough to hobnob at the gentleman’s club.” And you can do so for only $4, which is even cheaper than the most affordable beard oil. So a great financial move for those with a case of beardly avarice.

2. Sun-Staches

Sun-Staches are advertised on their site as “As Seen on Shark Tank” which is the nice way of saying “as not invested in by anyone on Shark Tank.” Still, as a novelty item used primarily by teenage girls, and sold primarily in tourist stops, they’re a decent enough product. But one of their more recent models (and after a couple of years with about 10 varieties, these guys have been exploding in terms of selection lately) is likely made to cater to the unhappily-baby-faced crowd. Yep, they’ve expanded from just Sun-Staches to Sun-Beards now. Hey, at least these serve as a kind of disguise so that when you’re walking around playing at being a real man, no one can tell who you really are.

1. Beer Beard

This final product isn’t a real product, but deserves mention. Because of all the fake beards out there, this would be the most practical and the most excusable. The idea of a fake beard with an inner bladder that serves as a way to sneak booze into sporting events, movies, or anywhere you normally can’t take it (or would rather not pay $10 a cup for it), is not a bad one. Sure, you might look a little sad wearing a fake beard around, but at least the joke’s on everyone else who doesn’t know you’re secretly a liquor ninja.

Sadly, this is just a fake box from Prank Pack, a company that makes novelty boxes for packing real gifts in. It’s a way to give a real gift and a gag gift at the same time; pack an assortment of gourmet coffees for your grandma into a Beer Beard box and watch her struggle to act grateful. Still, the concept of having a straw in my beard that leads to whiskey doesn’t hurt my feelings, so if any inventors are reading, get to work, my friends.